a little life

“The axiom of equality states that always equals x: it assumes that if you have a conceptual thing named x, that it must always be equivalent to itself, that it has a uniqueness about it, that it is in possession of something so irreducible that we must assume it is absolutely, unchangeably equivalent to itself for all time, that its very elementalness can never be altered. But it is impossible to prove. Always, absolutes, nevers: these are the words, as much as numbers, that make up the world of mathematics…he had always appreciated how elusive it was, how the beauty of the equation itself would always be frustrated by the attempts to prove it. It was the kind of axiom that could drive you mad, that could consume you, that could easily become an entire life.”

– Hanya Yanagihara (2015)

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we live for such miracles

Who can say if the thoughts you have in your mind as you read these words are the same thoughts I had in my mind as I typed them? We are different, you and I, and the qualia of our consciousness are as divergent as two stars at the ends of the universe.

And yet, whatever has been lost in translation in the long journey of my thoughts through the maze of civilization to your mind, I think you do understand me, and you think you do understand me. Our minds managed to touch, if but briefly and imperfectly.

Does the thought not make the universe seem just a bit kinder, a bit brighter, a bit warmer and more human?

We live for such miracles.

– Ken Liu, Preface to The Paper Menagerie and Other Stories (2016)

I just flipped the last page of this lovely (and at times disturbing) collection of magical realism/science fiction short stories featuring Chinese, Taiwanese, and Japanese narratives. The writing has a beautiful ability to make you feel comforting familiarity, revulsion, sadness, or intense curiosity–sometimes all at the same time. My friend Fernando gifted it to me for my birthday and told me he read the title story at a hike’s cliff-side resting point. He finished reading, burst into tears, and called his mother. Knowing this, I sat alone enjoying a bowl of Okinawan soba (white wheat noodles garnished with pork belly and pickled ginger) at Onna Soba waiting out the pounding rain and for my bus to take me back to Naha when I cracked open The Paper Menagerie. Between mouthfuls of soba I felt tears welling and then streaming down my face, my fellow diners furtively casting confused looks my way whilst I put down my book and dabbed my face with an already damp oshibori. I also called my mother later that night.

I love to read and it’s been a long time since a book has made me feel so much. Touching upon perspectives I grew up with or have come to know well: an independent woman, a Chinese immigrant, a person in love, a child of an incredible mother, or a contributing citizen to Japanese society, I felt a deep affinity with Liu’s words and his considerations of good, evil, and mystical are both poignant and incisive. Reading these stories simultaneously took me outside myself and urged me to consider my own experience as an Asian American. This book review describes the feeling very well.

Ken Liu is also a living interpretation of a version of my own dream. He is amazingly expressive in two languages, professionally trained as a lawyer, and simultaneously pursuing a path as a dreamer/writer. I have come away from this book with a new source of inspiration and I am so grateful.

You can read The Paper Menagerie short story here. Please tell me what you think.

xo your friend alice

Location: Tokyo, Japan

aishiteru (means i love you)

‘How much do you love me?’ Midori asked.
‘Enough to melt all the tigers in the world to butter’, I said.

– Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood (1987)

Happy Valentine’s Day everybody. I hope you are practicing jiai 自愛, or self-love today, and everyday. (The kanji for this idea is the same in Chinese and also happens to be the first character in my name, ‘ai’.) My dear friend Lin (from our little concrete jungle photoshoot) shared a beautiful bilingual post about this concept on her blog, which you can read here.

This space has been a bit stagnant to me the past 2 months. Maybe from a lack of excitement or a natural lull as it occurs to all creative forms. Consistently creating something I am proud of is difficult, and the more drafts I go through, the more I can whittle away the unpublishable or what is simply not quite ready to be shared. I would rather sacrifice quantity than quality, and as I am both self-critical and continuously appraising, I have been collecting photographic ideas and sentiments in my mind for what may come into existence in the future. Even if few people ever see this page, it matters to me that I make something that I am proud of. My best mate Kelly thinks I should combat the artificial norm of only sharing triumphant moments and dreamy vacations on the internet, and while I generally agree with this perspective (sure I have fun, but I don’t post photos of my late nights at the office), I think I will save my daily thoughts for my journal as they may not inspire anyone but me at the moment. Just know that life has been relatively calm over in these parts. Actually, I have been feeling quite inspired and energized today reflecting on what I will be doing this time next year and researching how to further my ultimate dream of a life of international engagement by deepening my multilingual proficiency and pursuing more working opportunities at the intersection of cultures. I am doing some plotting, but I will be patient until I have more concrete plans.

xo your friend alice

p.s. I finished reading Norwegian Wood the day my favorite uncle died, and for that reason, I will never forget it.

p.p.s. While aishiteru 愛してる means ‘I love you’ in Japanese, it is rarely used in spoken communication as it is a very serious, intense proclamation of devotion. Instead, daisuki 大好き is said, which can apply to really loving your partner, or really loving strawberry shortcake.

Location: Tokyo, Japan

2016 year end musings

Thoughts and experiences that defined my year…

  • I became comfortable riding a bike in traffic after a couple of scrapes and wipe outs. Tokyo is actually an extremely bike-able city as it’s expansive, not too hilly, and drivers are (generally) pretty polite. Also, there are so many people riding mamacharis, unlike a city like San Francisco where bikers tend to be hardcore messenger types with clip in cycling shoes. Here, people ride miniature folding bikes, converted mountain bikes, cycle while smoking cigarettes; women ride bikes in skirts, with their children strapped to the back, and salarymen ride in their suits. Commuting to work is good for my soul and in addition to my camera, my bike has been hands down the best material investment I’ve made this year.
  • I began training for the Tokyo Marathon and it has done wonders for my self-belief and focus. (I never thought I’d be the type of person to casually run 6 miles.)
  • I reconnected with so many incredible friends from different parts of my life thanks to living in a city that people want to visit and where they likely don’t know anyone else. (Shout outs to Jackie, Eric, Angelo, Hinh, Joey, Katy, Rainey, Dan, Anthony, Caitlin, Lily, Carson, my cousin Linda, my brother, his wife and my niece, and my mama!)
  • My big brother got married, and I cried the entire weekend from happiness and awe at how powerful romantic love can be. I was never the type to dream about a beautiful wedding, but after seeing my brother surrounded by his closest friends and witnessing the love shared between him and his wife, I understand why people love weddings. I felt closer to my brother during this time than I have in years and I am so grateful we were able to connect in the days leading up to the wedding and grow to understand each other better. And I love having a sister in-law
  • Forgiveness allowed me to heal old wounds. Specifically, one of the most significant friendships of my college years was torn apart in 2015, and in 2016, we were able to reunite with love for each other, and move forward from the actions that had caused so much pain. Healing does not mean that the damage never existed, but rather that it no longer controls your life. And for a long time, I related this story to whoever would listen because it was one of the greatest heartbreaks I had ever encountered. I learned so much compassion and self-discovery from this experience; it definitely forced me to grapple with my own character flaws. I wish only the best for this friend, whom I love dearly.
  • The heady power of introspection helped me acknowledge space for growth. I have especially noticed the cultural osmosis of Japanese values such as hansei in my life this year, which translates to self-reflection, the desire to assume responsibility and commit to improvement. The nature of life in Tokyo is simultaneously solitary and populated by other voices, people, and thoughts. I have noticed in myself an improved capacity to self soothe and be observant of my surroundings. I want to always be open to new experiences and feelings, but this year I have set forth a goal to improve my ability to set boundaries; to know the things that can hurt me and stop running headlong into them despite their seductive qualities.
  • I have also found that when living abroad, asking for help, is often the single best way to find a solution to a problem. I have been pleasantly surprised on many occasions which this has been true.
  • I started this blog in July and it has brought me endless hours of creative stimulation, thoughtfulness, and the real bottom-line: JOY. The interesting thing about this medium is that it’s 100% public for me but can be completely anonymous for readers. I don’t get the instant gratification of ‘likes’ and I have no idea who might be looking at it unless another blogger comments or a friend mentions they’ve taken a peek. Counterintuitively, this makes me feel absolutely free to write what I want. It has allowed me to cultivate an archive of beauty through my eyes, a space to record ideas and beliefs, and to share with whoever stumbles across this page a small slice of the idealism I hold dearly. I have nearly 40 draft posts that may never see the light of world wide web publication, but give me the comfort of having articulated my thoughts in sentences and images. I see so many bloggers with financial motivations behind their pages, which seems like a plum avenue to create income, but inevitably I feel that they lead to surface-level observations or artificial endorsements of products to generate clicks. I recently re-read A Tale for the Time Being, a beautiful whimsical novel about a Japanese girl who faces the challenge of assimilating back into her home culture after spending much of her childhood in California. On page 26, footnote 31, the author quotes: “Once the writer in every individual comes to life (and that time is not far off), we are in for an age of universal deafness and lack of understanding.” Milan Kundera, Book of Laughter and Forgetting (1980). While I agree that the surge in social media channels makes it feel as though our acquaintances are shouting at us indiscriminately through the void of space and time, I do believe that writing allows each person to fully reflect and organize our own feelings and recollections; hopes and dreams are recorded for future referral. Such self-examination does not exclude the ability to listen; rather, it is how we choose to use these tools to achieve understanding. Do we listen only to those who agree with us? And do we stop to consider how others may feel? While this page has allowed me space to share my thoughts, it has also encouraged me to think holistically about the world and the experiences I have been lucky to have. P.S. People from 33 different countries and 6 continents visited this page in 2016–pretty wild!
  • The only new country I traveled to this year was Cambodia, but I also had the pleasure of visiting several new cities/islands including Nikko, Niseko, Shimoda, Rikuzentakata, Kesennuma (two cities in Tohoku worst hit by the 2011 tsunami), Miyakejima, Kyoto, Hiroshima, Miyajima, Nara, Ito, Atami, Boston, and making return trips to NYC, Hong Kong, and Hakone.
  • I read 15 books this year, and The Sympathizer was my favorite. Read my review of it here. In the new year I would like to read many more books to continue stimulating my inner world and imagination. My last year in college I read at least 2 books a week, and I definitely miss absorbing information and beautiful sentences at such a clip. One desire for the new year is to read more in transit and before bed instead of scrolling through social media or watching netflix.
  • In my yoga practice, I learned to balance in headstand  (sirsasana) and get into scorpion (vriscikasana) while leaning against a wall. I hope to grow and improve my postures in the new year, take bikram classes, and return to teaching vinyasa flow yoga.
  • The most important thing I have taken away from this year is a renewed sense of my own intuition. To trust that if something feels right, then it’s meant to happen, and if there is a sneaking feeling about it, to reevaluate before rushing headlong. My strength lies in relating to people, and I feel that if I continue to be my best self, continually evaluating space for growth and gambarimasu (try my best), nothing is impossible.

xo your friend alice

2016 best nine // @alicelenator on instagramalicelenator.jpg
Location: Tokyo, Japan


A warm flow of pain was gradually replacing the ice and wood of the anesthetic in his thawing, still half-dead, abominably martyred mouth. After that, during a few days he was in mourning for an intimate part of himself. It surprised him to realize how fond he had been of his teeth. His tongue, a fat sleek seal, used to flop and slide so happily among the familiar rocks, checking the contours of a battered but still secure kingdom, plunging from cave to cove, climbing this jag, nuzzling that notch, finding a shred of sweet seaweed in the same old cleft; but now not a landmark remained, and all there existed was a great dark wound, a terra incognita of gums which dread and disgust forbade one to investigate.

– Vladimir Nabokov (1957)

Ha. This reminds me of getting my four wisdom teeth taken out last summer. I was hopped up on laughing gas and numb-er than a tongue left out in the cold, wandering the halls of Kaiser Permanente on Broadway in Oakland to pick up something or other medication, when a passersby looked upon me in shock and quickly ushered me into a single-serving restroom. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and realized I had gashes of blood streaming down my chin in two gory rivulets. Cotton rounds stuffed into my fresh crimson coves, I would have handily won the Miss American Vampire (chubby bunny) contest or been mistaken for a psychotic killer (squirrel).

Pnin was written in English rather than Nabokov’s native Russian, and contrary to popular belief, it is credited with his initial success, not Lolita, which was published one year later in the U.S. rife with controversy over its illicit subject (originally published in Paris 1955). There are lots of meandering, banal chunks to this book, but also lyrical gems throughout such as the metaphor above. My interest in Nabokov was rekindled when I read about the recent publication of Letters to Véra, a compilation of romantic missives written to his wife. For a creative type to admit his only source of angst is “the impossibility of assimilating, swallowing, all the beauty in the world”, I figured that such is a mind worth encountering again (I read Lolita ten years ago.). Writing every day is a long-abandoned ritual for most, and even moreso, writing declaratively to someone you cherish. The reason for which I have kept every love letter I have ever received. What romance is there to a fraught digital correspondence? Easily blocked, distilled, deleted. Letters are the physical manifestations of an intimate piece of ourselves, memorialized by handwriting, instrument and ink, fingerprint and scent. Like teeth they will eventually leave us, but their imprint on us and hopefully another, remain.

(You can read the NY Times Letters to Véra book review here.)

Any other Nabokov readers out there? I also have Pale Fire sitting on my shelf. Shout out to my dear friend Miles (whom I’ve known since the 7th grade) for mailing them to me.

xo your friend alice

you are the only person I can talk with about the shade of a cloud, about the song of a thought—and about how, when I went out to work today and looked a tall sunflower in the face, it smiled at me with all of its seeds.

Location: Tokyo, Japan